What you say is different from what I hear

So there are times when I get mad at my husband. When I storm out of the room in a giant huff leaving him standing there bewildered. He obviously did something wrong, but what!? Well, being such a stunningly amazing wife I am here to tell him what I hear when he says these seemingly innocuous, yet profoundly stupid things.

Let me set the scene. We got up incredibly late on a Saturday morning (since when that means 9:30am I’ll never know) and rolled out of bed starving. We go into the kitchen haggard and half awake. Cory grabs an apple. I pick up a stale 3-day-old donut and down it with the flat, leftover half of a crème soda from the night before.

Cory: Gosh, its just amazing how good an apple can taste. Like we never need anything but what nature provides to us. And it’s just the perfect fuel for our lives (since when he became the breakfast prophet I will also never know).

What filters across the kitchen and into my ears: You are so fat. I try to lead by example and eat a healthy breakfast and you shove your face full of whatever sugar and fat you can manage to scrounge up. I am going to stop loving you one day when I just can no longer stand how disgusting you are. Stop, just stop, I can’t watch you inhale that death cake for one second longer….

Me: You are so insensitive. Go fuck yourself. Seriously. Stomps to the living room and turns on Teen Mom…

And there you have it, dear husband, your subconscious caught you up again and I am here to let you know that I’m onto you. You’re welcome.

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